Audition Room

Thought it'd be refreshing to be surrounded by actors for a second after being exposed to nerdy students 8 hours a day. As I press the elevator button thinking of all the germs I just contracted, I'm being aggressed by some disgraceful high pitch voice screaming on top of her lungs to some dude: "What? You haven't seen my commercial yet?" Here I am. This casting agent, don't recall his name, still exists. He says hi to me as if I'd never left town. He's gained weight and I'm surprise he recognized me despite my blond hair looks 5 yrs ago. After the ID/fill out form/photo procedure, Mr casting agent introduces me to my partner. We're suppose to be this happy joy young couple consumers buying I already forgot what... We seat next to one another. I take a look around the room. They're so much cacophony: "Have you audition for..." "God, Alicia got the part, I am so happy for her, truly I am..." "I still wait for the answer for that role, so hope I'll get it, if not..." blah blah blah... All I see is needy/egotistic souls screaming in synch: "Please, please love me" I want to scream back: "only you can do that, assholes"... Coitus Interruptus by my partner that's enthousiastically says: "Christiane, maybe we should rehearse." Shit I forgot his name. Cannot be blamed for it. How can you be interested if not intrigued... Can someone please surprise me? I exert a semi genuine smile and say:"sure". We rehearse in the midst of the blah blahs... "but it's playing on every chanels" yells now Mrs Obnoxious Voice. Saved by the bell, we're called in for the audition. Back to the real world, on my way to school with my bike, I think it'll be refreshing to return to my fellow students.

the Grass's always Greener...

on the Other Side. Ever since I've left NY, I've had this misconception to think that my NY Friends are having the time of their Life (I hope they do) while I lay here in Misery. This black & white thought can only last for so long... well, it's been long enough. There are things I'm thankful for since my return to ColdLand (though it is now warm). My life's more stable. I don't believe it myself, I have a routine, a tight schedule even. Wouldn't want it for ever, yet it is a worthy new experience. Makes things more predictible which is fine for now. I've had enough unexpected "surprises" for awhile anyways. Besides, it's also refreshing to know that your life won't be altered from one day to next cause of some external event you cannot control. Makes me feel safer and more powerful. Don't get me wrong, I do not particularly enjoy being here (motivation issues, mind's elsewhere). I struggle getting use to the surroundings, people's mentality vs mine. I keep reminding myself that this is only temporary and once I'll be done with what I came here to do, I will have plenty of opportunities to go wherever I want. But until then, my life's here and I ought to learn to make the best of it. I believe I can. I want to... Past & Memories are part of my Present. I want to befriend these Antagonists so my Life here may be Greener.

Student's Lament

I can't get no motivation 'cause i try and i try and i try and i try When i'm ridin' my bike And that man on the sidewalk 's tellin' me more and more About some useless information Supposed to fire my imagination I can't get no motivation i try and i try and i try I can't get no... When i'm seated in the back row And that professor comes on to tell me How white my shirts can be But he can't be a man 'cause he doesn't talk The same language as me I can't get no... Hey, that's what i say I can't get no, I can't get no motivation No motivation, no motivation, no satisfaction

Que c'est beau une télé !

Sans Image et sans Bruit, Telle est ma Télé! dénichée a trop de coins de rue de chez moi, je l'ai portée malgré sa triste mine poussiéreuse pendant qu'Ann s'affairait a porter les sacs contenant notre copieux repas du soir et quelques babioles inutiles achetées aux puces. Ma Télé est un objet d'art, une antiquité si on considéré que vintage 70' fait partie de cette catégorie. Elle a sa place dans l'apart, elle est brute, en impose et ce, surtout lorsqu'éteinte. Autoritaire, elle ne m'autorise a visionner une seule chaîne (CBC). Je m'assois donc et regarde des ombres noirs/blanches qui s'animent sous la neige et m'annoncent a trois reprises en moins d'une heure que le Prince William ne fera pas la guerre en Irak. Ce dernier est apparemment très "upset" de cette décision qui semble lui échapper. Il a du caractère le petit Prince. Moi je le trouve bien sympathique. Sans compter que je suis redevable d'etre enfin a nouveau a jours avec l’actualité internationale. C'est ma première journée/soirée télé en plusieurs mois donc je me borne a la regarder. Mais CBC me prend en otage et je ne peux échapper a cette nouvelle véhiculée en boucle d'heure en heure. Après tout, le Canada fait partie du "British Commonwealth" donc la nouvelle touche la nation entière... sympa le prince mais bon... J'essaie de capter d'autres trucs... Ma Télé est capricieuse et n'aime pas être bousculée. Plus je la touche, plus il y a de la neige, encore un truc typique Canada. L'antenne ghetto est faite maison, avec du fil de cuivre qui dépasse et j'ai peur de m’électrocute alors j'agite gauchement les fils sans toucher au cuivre (pas envie de mourir si jeune et si belle) et la le son qui jusqu'alors était le seul attribut de cette horrible invention devient distorsionnée. La neige se transforme en fourmis, j'entends plus, je vois plus, j'ai jamais vu grand chose de toute facon... des impulsions télévisuelles assassines s'emparent de mon Être. J'éteinds le Monstre. Que c'est c'est beau une Télé sans Image et sans Bruit.

NY trip journal

I m glad I'm here. It feels already as I never left yet I have... I first felt very sad, powerless, angry and don't get me wrong, I will experience these feeling on and off (especially once back to Montreal Nursing Boot Camp). This being said, it is interesting for me to be here. I can tell that unless I would have gotten a visa, things wouldn't have evolved much for me. I would still have been cut up with waiting tables, the williamsburg frenzy and what comes with it. I made so many interesting non expected (no coincidence though) encounters. Such as meeting this guy I had a huge crush on (some williamsburg successful artist and well respected dude who had treated me like a queen and then not so much like a queen). Seeing him again at this cafe was a blessing, he now seems so empty, so full of himself and so cut up with being Mr. most wanted bachelor. That same day, I end up walking in front of a bar and saw this guy I use to work with. He offered me a drink. Seing him being cut up working at the bar, talking about the same things, doing the same things was also a blessing cause I realised I needed to get out of that. Yes I use to be this cool girl, knowing it all in the burg, knowing lots of cool dudes and artists doing great things and I don't underestimate that. I did feel like I belonged to something greater and larger than life but coming back makes me realise that I needed to move forward. Having moved out, doing what I do now is a necessary evil considering what happened. If things would have happened as planned, I would still be in NY, would have moved forward getting jobs in what I liked to do most. It was a dream and it still is. So yes I go through painful moments of I could have, I dreamed that, I would have been, etc.. But the truth is things happened. And I didn't have much choice then to continue my life the way it was or to change this unproductive circle I was in. Given the circumpstances, I do know now that I took the right decision (and that's huge for me to realise). This doesn't prevent me to feel sad about my dreams being crushed and feeling powerless in front of my destiny. I think it is huge for me to realise that I took the right decision given the shitty circumpstances I was in. If this trip only makes me realise this, then that's quite something.