Littl' Hater

You use to tell me : One, you're such a littl'hater.. I think you were right. Yet I wish I was a Great Hater. I tried very hard to hate you. To hate you with all my strength, with all the passion left. I failed. I forced myself into thinking that hate was all you deserved and all we had left. I didn't succeed. Good memories emerge as enemies. My reality doesn't have any good memory material. My reality is not the one I have expected and I cannot help but hold it against you. I even think I am entitled to do so. You haven't honored our pact. You have hurt me once more. How could it be after what we went through already. Twice, decisions regarding us altered my life. You walked away moving on with yours. I make the best of the situation but struggle. I don't like the harbor I have landed at, I am hurt, feel betrayed and abandoned. Yet I fail to hate you the way I should. The love I have for you is stronger. One thing is « for sure » : I miss you. I miss you everyday, many times a day. I miss you when I hear music. I still cannot hear yours. I miss you when a man comes to me. I miss the way you use to comment on my quirks and knacks. I miss us finding the best goodies at Dean & Delucca and eating Swedish Liquorice until our stomachs would ache. I miss your obsession of « well spent time ». I miss our days at the church listening to the organ. I miss your passion for whatever you would get into. I miss you. Nothing compares to you. I wish I could hate you, hate you only, without the love that I still have for you but I keep on failing. Maybe I should give up... and give in.